Law School and Beyond: Why I am Blogging about My Depression and Anxiety
Hey honey bunnies!
This is going to be a challenging, yet empowering post for me to write. But, I need to do it and I’ll get into the reasons why later. This is something that affects millions of people and it likely affects somebody that you know. Hopefully my story will give greater insight into what you or somebody you know is going through and how to deal with it.
I suffer from depression and anxiety. I even experience some of my worst episodes of anxiety and depression while completing law school unbeknownst to most people. I am not ashamed and refuse to live in shame. There are millions of people like me, living in hiding on fear judgment or being misunderstood or having someone turn their back on them because of their illness they cannot control. I am not going to let us define me nor hold me back. Rather, I’m going to use it somehow to be the best person that I can be and help others.
I’m not ashamed because well, there’s nothing for me to be ashamed about. If anything, I’m proud of myself recognizing that something was not quite right and I needed some assistance.
I was fearful about writing this exposing myself on this level for a long time. Most of my fears rooted in the same things that keep many people, especially minorities, from getting the help that they need and desire. I was scared of being judged, ridiculed, ostracized and possibly losing some people that are close to me.
Thankfully I realized that anybody who would judge me, ridicule me, ostracize me or turn their back on me is not a person that I want my life. They are idiots plain and simple. It takes a lot of strength and courage to know and realize that you may need a little help. The same wingnuts who have something to say are usually miserable themselves, in need of help themselves, the village idiot or any combination of the 3. I’m not going to even mention the over whelming amount of negativity and self-hatred but most of these people carry. And who wants to be around a person with those kinds or types qualities? Not me! So why value their opinions or put any weight into anything they say?
I’ve come a very long way. I still have my bad days, but it’s okay. There were periods (I’ll tell you more about these later) where I didn’t want to leave the house, talk to anyone or even eat. I was a shell of myself. If you knew me, I mean really knew me, you will be able to recognize when something was a little off. But many people don’t know quite how to approach you when you’re going through one of these periods or what to say. There are times when I would just cry. And cry. And cry. Times when I would feel hopeless and, sad and confused. I would be in a room full of people, seemingly having a good time, and feel totally alone and like no one understood or care to understand. Not like I can always put in words even if they did show concern or care. Sometimes these things would happen because something was going on in my life and there would be no real rhyme or reason why I was feeling what I was feeling at that moment. To make matters worse, I was and still am very good at masking those darker periods and how was feeling. Even when some people would see me expressing some sadness or another not so happy feeling, they never knew the real reason.
I have gotten much better expressing to the people close to me when I’m having a dark period, tough time or am very sad.
You may be asking what made you blog about depression and anxiety, why and who really cares what you have to say? Let me start with the easiest one to answer: the people who say who really cares about what I have to say or have negative things to say about mental illnesses. Hello cockroach. I want you to read this very closely in carefully and try with the 2 brain cells that you have that are fighting for attention to truly understand this and absorb it: This is not for you! This is not about you! Stop being miserable and hateful. Better yet, click the red X at the top of the window and keep on trucking.
As I said before, there are a lot of people going through similar issues as mine. They don’t have an outlet or support like I do. They feel alone. Or they maybe scared to get help or ashamed. Feelings that were created in them by the ignorance of others, misinformation or fear. I don’t want anyone to feel like they are sad or alone. This is not a firm or easy battle. We need all the support understanding you can get. People should never feel like they have to kill themselves or take any sort of drastic measures to alleviate some negative or dark feeling. If writing about my experiences and providing an ear or an outlet helps one person makes them feel better, it’s worth it. Sounds cliché, but it’s true.
This 1st blog is just my “coming out story” and the starting point.
More blogs to come dealing with: sources of my depression and anxiety, navigating law school while dealing with this, how it affects my family/friends/other aspects of my life, how I got where I am now and some posts just to provide support and encouragement.
As I mentioned, while not that in-depth or long this post was not easy for me. I would truly in deeply appreciate your comments in feedback and it would be awesome if you shared this on Facebook and twitter.
My favorite posts about fighting through and coping with depression. They will also give some insight into the battle that we face: